Disclaimer: The following observations and rules are not based on scientific evidence or sound dietary advice. It is based on confusion. Eater beware.

My extensive experience of eating food for the last 59 years, and my keen observation of food and health trends, has made me somewhat of an expert on food, diets and the meaning of relativity. I will admit though, that I am a confused expert. I have come to the conclusion that it seems to me that the same food can be classified as healthy or dangerous; the same product can be used to promote – or demote – losing weight. It just depends on how it is presented, or on which Website you read it. Everything is relative.

In my prolonged search for the truth that would help me be more healthy and perhaps even lose weight, I have found that there is no solution to this information overload. So, join me and laugh away! Nothing else really works for me! At least I will be happy.

So, here are my five top food rules for living a happier life:

1. Sugar

Sugar is evil, except when you eat it late at night. And if you can't see the sugar physically, even better. The thing is, everything is relative. Like chocolate – as we all know, sugar is white. Chocolate is brown, so there.

2. Multi-syllable words

Do not eat processed food with ingredients that have more than 3 syllables, like Maltodextrin. Get this – Maltodextrin is used as a food preservative and thickener in many processed foods, AND it is also used as an insecticide! Very versatile …

If two multi-syllable words are combined, it is a near-death situation. Try saying this one: Butylated hydroxyanisole. This stuff is used as an antioxidant and preservative in food; it is also used in cosmetics and rubber. Does this mean I can eat my lipstick? Its spy name on packaging is BHA. If you still want to eat foods with BHA while enjoying it, then just think ‘British Horse-racing Authority’ instead of ‘Butylated Hydroxyanisole’. It is all relative.

It may be difficult to count the syllables, especially when the writing on the labels are so small. Is that done intentionally? Rule of thumb: If you struggle to pronounce the word, it probably has more than 3 syllables.

Don’t eat multi-syllable food either, like cau-li-flow-er. Technically, cauliflower is not an ingredient, it is real food, but it has more than 3 syllables and it looks like a sun-dried brain. That puts me off. And stay clear from as-pa-ra-gus, because they just taste awful and look like plants from a fish pond.

Wa-ter-me-lon has more than 3 syllables, but this one is an exception to my rule, because my hubby loves them. I make the rules, I can make the exceptions too. And watermelons are 92% water, so eating a watermelon is more like drinking water. We all know water is very good for us.

3. Peanut butter

Eating peanut butter with a spoon out of a jar is therapy, not eating per se. Do this as often as you feel you need therapy. Unless you have Arachibutyrophobia.

4. Eggs, avocados and coconuts

For years, eggs were the villain in the kitchen. But, I have good news! Eggs and their infamous cholesterol have been vindicated, and is now a super food.  My advice? Eat lots of eggs, before research finds again that it’s unhealthy! This rule applies to avocados and coconuts too.

5. Big lettuce leaves

Salad consisting of huge lettuce leaves is an assault on my basic human rights. If the cook is too lazy to chop it into reasonable pieces, then I am too lazy to eat it. Well, actually, I have no idea how to eat a big lettuce leaf – and enjoy it!

These 5 food rules should help you find the real meaning of ‘eating out of the box’, I think ...

Comedy aside, I am so grateful to live in a place where there is a plethora of different foods to choose from. I cannot help but marvel at God’s creativity, not only because of all the different foods, colours, and cultures He created, but also that He gave me a sense of humour, which persists in amusing me.

Reflection

Proverbs 17:22(a) A cheerful heart is good medicine. (NIV)

Have you had a good giggle today?